(pretend) things happen
It could have been called a momentous day, it could also have been called a day during which math nerds hung their heads and repeated the mantra, “you’re doing it wrong,” but this past Sunday afternoon, Area Man and his girlfriend, Area Man’s Girlfriend, took it upon themselves to lay mere mortal cocks to shame by triumphantly placing the TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator upon Area Man’s member to make a size comparison.
Witnesses accounts ranged from, “that’s a big calculator. No way,” to silence, with an included jaw drop (mostly from women in anticipation).
This reporter took the hit to his manhood in stride and tried to convince himself that it’s ok, there are bigger dicks in the world, and it really is ok.
Anyway.
After this took place, Area Man remembered that this calculator, which now reeked of vulgar measurement, he had borrowed from a friend of his, and wasn’t exactly sure of what to do with it.
“I mean, you can’t clean this in the usual way,” he said, “I had to go to a pharmacy and buy some baby wipes. I really couldn’t bring it back to him in that condition. And I can’t tell him what happened either, and I can’t tell our mutual friends, he would find out that I used his calculator to measure… this amazing thing.” He went on to say that his friend kept asking about the smell of it, and the condition of it. “I should’ve just gotten him a new one, but I couldn’t really afford it, I was saving that money to get a drink later on in the day, you know, to celebrate.”
In related news, Area Man’s Girlfriend went to see her doctor and found out she has TMJ.
